


Auto-Phuckery

by BlueEyedArcher



Category: Vampyr (Video Game)
Genre: Crack Treated Seriously, Dick Jokes, Flirting, Fluff and Crack, Geoffrey's POV, Jonathan's POV, M/M, Magical Healing Cock, Priwen Antics, autophagy, vampire powers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-02
Updated: 2020-12-02
Packaged: 2021-03-10 00:21:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,490
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27841417
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlueEyedArcher/pseuds/BlueEyedArcher
Summary: A rumor spreads around Priwen about the magical properties of leech dicks and their horrific trickery. This news reaches Geoffrey's ears by way of one flabbergasted Jonathan demanding why a gaggle of recruits has shown up asking the leech doctor questions about vampire anatomy.
Relationships: Geoffrey McCullum & Jonathan Reid, Geoffrey McCullum/Jonathan Reid
Comments: 9
Kudos: 69





	Auto-Phuckery

**Author's Note:**

  * For [TheLostPleiad](https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheLostPleiad/gifts).



> This starts out as Recruit Mary McKinley's pov, but then switches to Geoffrey's pov and then ends in Jonathan's. I just needed to use a Priwen recruit to set up the introduction of the problem. This was a writing request by TheLostPleiad after a funny conversation in the Pembroke Hospital discord server late one night. This was also inspired by the fact that when Jonathan uses autophagy it makes it look like his dick glows bright red.

“Christ, it's a leech! Get em lads!” Hainsley cried out as he directed the charge. Mary McKinley trailed in the back as Jonesy and Jackie rushed ahead, keeping one hand on his rosary as the ekon dipped and weaved throughout their ranks with shadowy explosions. Vincent was tucked up on the rooftop and tracked the creature with his scope, which Mary noticed in the corner of his eye. He hadn’t been a part of Priwen and their ranks for too long but he had quickly learned the ebb and flow of how the other men fight, slipping into his role with ease as the support, a medic in training and a novice on his way to becoming a chaplain like Bishop was. These men were as unorthodox in their methods as they were entertaining and insightful to learn from, which Mary found to be a pleasant surprise that eased his nerves and fears. They had soon become like a family to him, even stronger since the loss of his brother to a skal ambush, he relied on them and trusted them with his life.

That did not necessarily mean he should trust everything that comes from their mouths, which he quickly discovered after the snickers and pranks the rambunctious group of men often partook in like boisterous children. But that made it more for him to adore about them as he sought comfort in their presence. Even in times like these, the fear and apprehension he sometimes felt was soothed by the balm of their confidence as they danced around the leech with equal skill and determination, thwarting its speedy and unpredictable attacks.

Recruit Mackintosh, a young jewish boy a couple months older than Mary that joined the ranks when the McKinley twins had, was standing by Mary’s side, also a medic in training though Mary suspected his interests lie in eventually becoming a doctor, given he starry eyed looks he directed at the esteemed Dr. Reid when he’d pass by them on patrols or visited Priwen when the lads were taken low by a stomach bug that swept through the ranks and even left Mr. McCullum laid up for a few days.

The recruits managed to stagger back fast enough to avoid the swiping claws of the ekon, which was quickly knocked over by a well placed shot by Vincent and his trusty Frauline, sending the fancy dressed toff to tumble across the cobblestones and turn quickly in a snarl. It sank its own claws into the front of its chest causing a red hued glow to emanate from its lower abdomen and well, to put it bluntly, its crotch area which caused Mary to gasp in surprise cause he’s never witnessed that sort of ability by a leech before. The bullet wound healed quickly in return as the ekon rose back to its feet to retaliate. Vincent didn’t let it as he fired off a second shot from Frauline and Jackie followed it up with a phosphorus round from his shotgun, effectively silencing any further movement from the beast before Hainsley severed its head from its body and finished it off with a stake for good measure. 

In Priwen, there was no such thing as overkill and they lived by that mentality in every hunt. As Mr. McCullum once put it ‘ _Some leeches will surprise ya, they’re stubbornly resilient and will opt to play dead until ya let yer guard down. Never give them that opportunity lads.’_

As they regrouped with the intention of burning the leech and the evidence of their successful hunt away from the innocent eyes of the public, Mackintosh stared after the creature with a question in his eyes. He nudged Mary who thumbed his brother’s rosary between his fingers with an absent glance at the blood smeared cobblestones. 

“What do you think that ability was?” Mackintosh prodded, giving Mary a thoughtful glance as he snagged the young Irishman’s attention. 

Mary simply shrugged and pursed his lips. “Not sure.” His red hair fell into his face as the chill Autumn wind danced through it, sending the carefully combed back bangs askew and in the way. He carded his fingers through his hair and tugged at the green scarf around his neck ensuring it was snug around his jaw to keep both the chill away and any hungry fangs from nearing his tender flesh.

“It healed itself.” Mackintosh offered as if Mary hadn’t noticed the frightening display of its inhuman abilities. That only made the creatures more terrifying in his eyes.

“Oh, yeah some leeches do that.” Vincent hollered at the two lads, causing the recruits to jerk in surprise now that the sniper had clambered down from his perch. His rifle, a german gun from the war and aptly named Frauline, was slung over his shoulder as he mosied over and stood by the lads with a shit eating grin on his face. “You notice how the eerie red glow came from its crotch?”

Mary’s cheeks flushed in embarrassment as he stiffened, Mackintosh on the other hand bobbed his head shamelessly in agreement. “Yes sir.”

Vincent smirked, a devilish casualness as he tinkered with the information he was about to share with them in regards to the creatures they hunted. Mary didn’t miss the sideways glances and crooked smiles from the rest of the men as they listened in, in between starting a fire to the damn leech’s corpse (only after they searched its pockets for anything useful that Priwen could repurpose or pass along).

“They got this ability where they wound themselves to kickstart the healing process of their body into overdrive. It's deadly and can quickly turn the tide of the fight in their favor, but the secret behind it is what you don’t see.” Vincent lowered his voice as he leaned in, shoulders hunched as he braced against the cold wind that picked up. Mary and Mackintosh found themselves shuffling closer with curiosity, eager to hear. “Some leeches can hide in plain sight, but what gives them away is their leech dick.”

There was a rouse of snickering and laughter from the older lads who nodded in agreement, encouraging Vincent to continue his lesson. “Aye, their leech dick.” Jackie chirped.

“If you don’t believe me, have a gander next time yourselves.” He gestured at the already burning corpse in front of them, a missed opportunity for certain to sate their curiosity. “When you become a leech, your dick isn’t the same. It's easy to hide until they use special leechy powers like that. That’s where the eerie glow comes from.” Vincent spoke with sincerity in his words and a straight face, a tell tale sign that this had to be serious, surely. Mary was shocked by the thought as he turned to glance at Mackintosh who shared the same look in return.

“Wait, so all ekon’s can do this?” Mackintosh asked, a thought on his mind as the gears kept turning in his head. As Jonesy nodded in confirmation, there was a moment of unadulterated excitement as something clicked and Mary suddenly felt very concerned about what had caused that response for the other recruit. “That means Dr. Reid can do it too! Do ya think he’d show us sometime? You know, for scientific reasons. It would be educational for the rest of us recruits to learn from the source.”

Mary felt oddly uncomfortable about the idea of asking a leech to show them anything involving their strange and dangerous abilities but the thought was an intriguing one and he did have to agree that every opportunity to better learn about the enemy was bound to make them better hunters in the long run and they would be better armed in the future.

“Aye, that’s how McCullum knew Reid was a leech.” Hainsley cleared his throat as he leaned against Jackie, an elbow struck him in the ribs that caused him to cough but the man recovered quickly and scowled at his companions. Mary cocked his head, confused momentarily before Jonesy made the call that they head back early to warm up and get some breakfast.

It was at breakfast that the new piece of information spread through the recruits and cadets by the grace of Mackintosh and his eagerness to share what he had learned. He would occasionally nudge Mary to confirm that he wasn’t pulling the others’ legs or joshing them about it, as they regaled the group with the story of the strange ekon ability and the fact it made their crotch glow an eerie red as they healed from their wounds as if by magic. The sitting area got noisier as they considered if it could do that, what other things could leeches do with their nefarious nether regions, and could they even turn others into their vile creatures by cumming into the unwary. Of course, if they didn’t look like normal human pricks, someone would notice right?

“Ya can’t just hide a sick prick like that, could ya?” One of the cadets offered.

To which a recruit answered back with their mouth half full of fried potatoes as they shook their head. “Think of the proper lasses, the ones that don’t know any better. A sweet young gal could fall for their leechy mind tricks and be taken without knowin it. A cryin shame that would be.”

“Aye, that would be a shame. Makes my blood boil thinkin some filthy leech could do such an awfulness to my little sister.” Another piped up. Which led to the speculation of how many leeches were in London, prowling unchecked with their freakish pricks and devilish powers ready to ensnare the unwary. Mackintosh offered his thoughts once more to the whole group, sharing the idea of asking Dr. Reid to teach them about leech anatomy and what to look out for with these strange leechy powers. Breakfast ended with nods of collective agreement as they came to the only logical conclusion for all of this.

* * *

  
  


“What have you been teaching your recruits, McCullum?” Jonathan’s voice of outrage wasn’t uncommon these days but typically it was directed at Geoffrey on a personal level, usually in regards to his lack of self-awareness or the fact he failed to care for his personal health. Especially when his idea of a proper meal most days came with a bottle of whiskey on the side and some god awful helping of greasy fattiness that was oh so delectable to the Irishman to stuff down his gullet as if it were his last meal.

Rarely did his thoughts of concern contain bewilderment related to his men and their activities. Typically there was a silent understanding that what the lads did, were usually left to their own devices unless absolutely necessary to be addressed. This conversation sounded like one of those times which Geoffrey furrowed his brows at as he flopped lazily upon Reid's cot in his office and settled in until he was comfortable, boots hanging over the edge because he wasn't entirely barbaric and still maintained the base manners drilled into him by his mother from his youth and further by Carl later on.

"The usual shite on how to kill leeches." Geoffrey answered as he folded his arm behind his head and rested his other hand over his chest as he tapped his fingers in idle thought. "What's got yer knickers in a twist?"

Jonathan looked exasperated at the hunter’s bemused response and frowned at Geoffrey, his hands resting firmly on his hips as he gave the Irishman a stern look of disapproval. “Pardon my crassness but I hadn’t been made aware that the hunting methods for ekons involved what their genitalia looked like and how to discern the differences between them and humans.”

“What?” Geoffrey blanched, a snort of amusement rose in his throat at the ekon’s response and shook his head. “You and I both know there’s no obvious difference. A prick’s a prick, erect or not no matter how fast yer heart beats.”

“Exactly.” Jonathan approached the cot until he was almost looming over the hunter as he inspected the Priwen leader, eyes raking along the languid curve of his body, resting ever so casually on the leech doctor’s bed. Geoffrey had half a mind to flex for show off but his mind was rotating the gears on why the hell this topic even came up.

“So what’s yer point? None of my lads been teachin them such ridiculous fantasies.” Geoffrey returned with a casual drag on his lips as he made a show of getting more comfortable. Jonathan rolled his eyes at the gesture and sighed.

“It would appear _somebody_ informed them of the fallacy which is why a dozen Guard of Priwen recruits showed up in my office asking outlandish and unrealistic questions about the erectile functions of ekon male genitalia and how to spot the differences through clothing, if there are any.” Jonathan explained, crossing his arms over his chest as he gave the hunter a stern look. 

Geoffrey chewed on his bottom lip in contemplation. Reid was serious, which wasn’t a rare occurrence but something like this sounded too ridiculous for the doctor to make up and _just outlandish enough_ to be counted among the many insane antics cobbled together by Priwen veterans.

“Aye, seems so. I may have an inkling of who yer culprit might be.” Geoffrey sighed, scrubbing his palm tiredly over his face in exasperation as he lounged on the cot with a boneless weight, neglecting the impulse to get up and stalk right back to Priwen and drag his lads into a private meeting to suss out which of the troublemakers on his roster started all this grief to begin with. Amusing as it was, there were consequences to starting trouble like this. If Reid hadn’t been so friendly about the lads enough that they felt comfortable enough to approach him on the topic, he may have found out after one of them accosted some Wet Boot bastard or another uppity toff that they were convinced was hiding a wicked endowment beneath their belt.

“I presume you’re gonna want to tag along with me?” Geoffrey added as Reid relaxed in his stance and softened his expression to one of mild amusement. A curt nod secured his suspicions as the doctor nudged the hunter’s legs aside to join him on the tiny frame. It was a wonder it held their combined weight as they were, but Geoffrey adjusted to make space.

“And when you discover the culprit, what punishment awaits them in return for their thoughtless prank?” Jonathan inquired as he covered Geoffrey’s hand with his, interweaving their fingers in a playful tangle. The hunter mused at the cooler touch of the leech’s palms against his as they intermingled and played together. 

“I haven’t decided yet. Something fitting for the trouble they’ve caused ya.” Geoffrey traced his fingers over the back of Jonathan’s knuckles as he settled his head against the pillows and smirked up at him lazily. “You look like you’ve got something in mind already.”

“I may.” Jonathan purred. “If you’d allow me the honors.”

“They’re all yours, Jon.”

  
  


* * *

  
  


The trip back to Priwen was relatively short as the two men cut across London, casually strolling along the quiet empty streets made all the quieter by the Guard’s determined and devoted efforts. Jonathan was both impressed and surprised by the dutiful activities of the Priwen guards as they swept the district with military precision and made for deadly adversaries for any unwary vampire to stray into their path. This made him all the more thankful that he had allied himself by Geoffrey’s side in all this, ensuring he was not leveled in the sights of the nearest Priwen sniper or being chased down the street by a charging brute with a stake armed and poised for his heart.

The building was just as quiet with the absence as the patrols encircled their assigned districts in calculated sweeps and hourly rotations ensuring they didn’t miss anything scurrying along the edges. The efficiency was both terrifying and something he had come to respect, knowing well the loyalty of his men was well earned and Geoffrey was just as proud of their efforts, a grand pay off for all of his hard work over the years. 

A few veteran stragglers remained behind to keep the good ship Priwen running smoothly in the absence, with a few cadets still working here and there on idle house chores. Mr. O’Connor was a familiar face that greeted them at the door with recruits McKinley and Mackintosh working hard in the kitchen peeling potatoes for the meal after the hunt. He greeted them with a polite nod and a smile, to which Mr. O’Connor returned and offered to make a spot of tea to send up to Geoffrey. The hunter declined with an appreciative nod then barked at the two veteran hunters who had been strewn across the sofa like lounging hounds.

Mr. Babic was sprawled across the sofa with Mr. Bonner tangled up around him like a haphazard weighted blanket, a book tucked in hand as his chin rested against Mr. Babic’s chest, flipping pages as he read. The tangled mess of dark curls was the primary giveaway as they peeked over the back of the couch and spotted the pair. A blanket tucked over them to keep the chill away as they dozed quietly.

“Babic! Bonner! My office, now.”

“Yes sir.” Mr. Bonner slurred his words with a similar weariness that his companion displayed, rubbing at his eyes as he roused the other man to trail after them. Geoffrey didn’t wait for them to catch up and made his way up the stairs to the third floor where his office resided. Jonathan was close behind, his steps were far quieter than the heavier bootsteps of the hunter.

Thinking back on how all of this happened, Jonathan didn’t see it as a total loss. His pride wasn’t hurt by the questions as he was surprised by the cluster of young men that had gathered. Ushering them into his office, he found ragtag seating for them to settle onto and passed out notepads for the lads who’s eyes lit up with boundless questions and that unique curiosity that was so extraordinary in youths, a spirit he had admired and shared when he was their age, a green horned novice in the medical field, stumbling around with his head in the clouds and endless questions nestled in his heart. Recruits Mackintosh and McKinley were aspiring young medics for Priwen that he had witnessed dutifully tending to their comrades. Young Mr. Mackintosh had been quite the determined pupil as he seated himself at the front of the group, boundless energy as he soaked up every answer like a sponge.

Jonathan had extended his interest in taking the young man aside as a student and showing him around the Pembroke hospital. He showed promise in the field with a passion Jonathan could sympathize with. Geoffrey shared his amusement as they spoke of the recruit, a nod of agreement in the knowledge that young Mackintosh strived to become a doctor someday but lacked the means to do so. Which Jonathan would gladly sponsor should he show promise and drive in chasing that aspiration. 

Several other young man shared a similar starry eyed curiosity, lewd jokes aside, they listened intently as Jonathan explained the anatomy and biological factors involved in ekon and human bodies, explaining that there were subtle differences but none like the young men expected. He showed them what the ‘glowy prick’ ability was, a moniker he despised and refused to repeat.

_“It’s called Autophagy and it’s used to heal wounds by jump starting the body’s cells into producing more to reconstruct damaged or missing tissue at an increased rate. The strange glowing as you called it, is the blood in the arteries as an ekon uses it like a weapon and manipulates its productivity. Like so.”_ He had removed his shirt, standing half dressed before a room of young men wasn’t as embarrassing as one would expect as he used a scalpel to cut several small wounds across his arm. Holding them out he showed the slow recovery as they healed sluggishly, a response to his low blood supply, having not had the opportunity to feed yet before he was ambushed by eager students.

Using his free hand, his claws punctured the skin above his heart inflicting a more mortal wound to himself. His heart glowed in his chest, as did the major arteries around his body as the wounds were healed up in a matter of seconds. The men gawked and jotted down notes as Jonathan went on to explain more about the human body, the male reproductive system and various other notable pieces of information that young men like themselves would benefit from knowing.

He hadn’t expected Nurse Finch, which was also Mr. O’Connor’s beau, to knock and enter with a puzzled expression on her face. The young men averted their gazes, red faced and flustered given the recent discussion they had been having. Jonathan supposed it looked unusual with him still standing half undressed with a skeleton and several diagrams situated in his exam area and the cluster of young men staring intently at the doctor, pens poised on notepads. There was a quiet awkward cough from one of the men that broke the silence. 

_“What can I do for you Nurse Finch?”_ He greeted her politely.

_‘Dr. Swansea requested your presence when you’re not busy, Dr. Reid.”_ She informed him kindly and swept her gaze over the young men, a knowing smile graced her lips as she added. _“It would benefit their future wives if you enlighten them on the intricacies of female anatomy as well, doctor.”_

The startled looks of the young men was almost comical as Jonathan withheld the urge to laugh while Nurse Finch let her own amusement show as she politely excused herself back out of the room and shut the door. 

Geoffrey had been more than amused about the impromptu sexual education he had given his recruits, and joked lightheartedly about dragging Jonathan to a Priwen meeting to teach a few of the other men on the matter. It was all in fond jest, of course though Jonathan would never let an opportunity to lend his assistance slip by and extended the offer in kind.

In the end, the harmless prank had become beneficial for many, though only a mild inconvenience for the tired and overly busy doctor, this meeting was simply a warning to the tricksters at hand that orchestrated the rumour and the final piece of the puzzle to sate his own undying curiosity.

When Mr. Babic and Mr. Bonner finally made their way into the office, they lingered in the entryway with skeptical glances. It wasn’t until Mr. Bonner’s eyes widened briefly in recognition of Jonathan’s presence and the corner of his mouth twitched in a poorly concealed smile that Geoffrey narrowed his eyes on the problematic guard and shook his head in disappointment. “Why am I not surprised?”

“What do you mean?” Mr. Bonner could hardly keep a straight face as he tried for cool indifference. His eyes kept darting away from Geoffrey’s commanding gaze and he fussed with Mr. Babic by bumping shoulders with him and fidgeting like a school boy caught teasing the girls in the next class over. He shrugged dismissively as Geoffrey crossed his arms over his chest and stood with his hip leaned against the front of his desk. The silent command was poorly deflected.

“Fess up Bonner.” Geoffrey demanded.

“In my defense, Hainsley and Jackie helped.” Bonner blurted. “Wasn’t just me.”

“What have I told ya about harassing the recruits?”

“That if I’m gonna start a fuss, to do it outside cause O’Connor just scrubbed the floors?” Bonner blurted.

“Is this about having sex on roof?” Mr. Babic asked with an impressive amount of bluntness that halted the conversation entirely.

“Wait, when did we do that?” Bonner looked bewildered, scratching the back of his neck thoughtfully. “I don’t remember that.”

“Enough, the both of ya.” Geoffrey interrupted their banter and reigned the conversation back to the topic at hand. “Bonner, Babic, you two, Hainsley and Jackie have just so kindly volunteered yourselves for community service by helping Dr. Reid here at the Pembroke hospital for the next week.”

“What? Why?” Bonner whined. “I actually got a rotation I like this week.”

“Too bad. You’ve been reassigned. O’Connor will give ya a lift at the start of your shift, and come back at the end to collect. Until your work is finished, you will answer to Nurse Finch and Dr. Reid.” Geoffrey stated sternly. “This is final, am I understood?”

“Yes sir.” Bonner sighed, the twist of his lips into a mischievous smile didn’t share the previous disappointment.

“Vhat is going on? Vhy are ve in trouble?” Mr. Babic looked genuinely confused as his gaze darted between Mr. Bonner and Geoffrey.

Jonathan decided to fill the man in with his own explanation. “Mr. Bonner here partook in a prank in which he informed the Priwen cadets and recruits that ekons have inhuman genitalia and that there is a secret way to spot such differences by the way they glow.”

“That is stupid.” Mr. Babic scoffed. “Who believes that?”

“To be fair, I only told Mackintosh and Baby that. Mackintosh gossips like a fish wife.” Bonner interjected. “And it was funny. The looks on their faces were priceless.”

“And the work you’ll be doing will be as well.” Geoffrey added. “You’re dismissed.”

Jonathan watched as the pair skulked out the doorway, catching the quiet grumble of Mr. Babic as he dragged Mr. Bonner down into a headlock. “Ve should have just fucked on roof instead.”

The door clicked shut behind them as Jonathan chuckled. “That went far easier than I expected.” Geoffrey rolled his eyes and plopped himself down into his old worn desk chair and shook his head.

“I suspected Bonner might have been involved. Usually if he isn’t, then he typically knows who is. He can’t keep a poker face to save his life.”

“Lucky for us then.” Jonathan purred. 

“Aye, you appear to have won either way in the end.” Geoffrey mused, trailing the doctor around the room as he prowled closer, taking a seat on the edge of Geoffrey’s desk, mindful not to knock anything off of the ledge in the process as he sighed.

“It would seem so but your men will benefit in the long term for this.” Jonathan assured. “You’ll see.”

“Hmmm, that’s not all I feel like seeing.” He tugged at the ekon’s sleeve and lured him in for a chaste kiss. “Try not to break them while they’re gone. I need them in working order next week.”

“I’ll go easy on them.” Jonathan hummed.


End file.
